Death to Elephant Counters
by garbage disposal
Summary: Georgia thought she was free from the lunatics after her graduation from Stalag 14. But when Jas drags her and the Ace Gang to a summer camp, she soon finds out she's wrong...


****

an invalid without a sex god

wednesday, june 8th

goodbye to stalag 14!

8:00 p.m.

The prisoners have gone free! Hallelujah; God bless us one and all!

During our beloved fuhrer, Slim's commencement speech, I saw Jas get a tear in her eye. I said, with my usual irony and regular hilariosity, "Is Slim's speech touching you?"

Rosie, on my other side, said, "I should hope nothing of Slim's ever touches me."

Hahaha I love _ma petit cheries_. When we split up for university, it will be a tragedy from which the world will never recover.

But now that I am a grown up university person, I am ready to enjoy the benefits of fabbity fab fab university nightlife!

****

8:02 p.m.

Bored stiff.

****

8:03 p.m.

Ooh the phone is ringing! Let's hope it is Jas, begging for my presence at some marvy grad party!

****

8:30 p.m.

The world is falling around me.

Merde merde merde and double pig's bum!

I can feel the pain of generations before me as I lay in my bed, an invalid, for forever and a half.

Robbie is getting married!

****

8:35 p.m.

After the elasticosity and glaciosity...and the red herring...and the _ear snogging,_ he is leaving me for a Maori tribeswoman.

I have been a grown up university person for half an hour and already my life is a facsimile of a farce of a sham!

****

8:36 p.m.

But at least the Wet One doesn't have her drippy hands on him. I have that one personal satisfaction.

Hahahahahahadiha.

****

9:30 p.m.

Well, since no one has remembered their poor invalid chum, I'm going to put in an early night.

****

9:32 p.m.

Libby has landed. I thought we weaned her out of my bed epochs ago!

"I love you, Georgie." Libby gave me a big hug and a slobbery "kiss" on the cheek. "Good night!"

Awww. She's accepted my invalidosity so well.

But maybe when I wake up, the whole thing will be a dream.

****

9:35 p.m.

But then the jailbreak at Stalag 14 would just be a dream...

****

9:37 p.m.

But alas, what does an invalid like me care about the world?

Not one thread of Jas's encompassing knickers.

****

10:00 p.m.

The olds insist on listening to _Abbey Road _at 10. I will be awake until Blimey O'Reilly knows when.

****

10:01 p.m.

Still, I must sleep.

****

10:30 p.m.

Mum just came in and invited me downstairs. I sniffed and looked to the window pensively and said, in a real moving voice, "I am cursed with a fate that requires I stay in this room."

Mum sighed. "What'd I do now?"

So self-centered. I tell you, if there weren't pictures of Dad, Libbs, and me in the hallways, I doubt she'd realize that anyone else existed.

But I kept on, in the same tone of voice. "The one I love is marrying a Maori tribeswoman!"

"Robbie? Hasn't he been in New Zealand?"

I nodded, tearing up.

Mum smiled. She sat down and grabbed my foot. Immediately my foot started having a nervy spaz that would put Herr Kamyer to shame. Mum let go in horror. "Gee!"

"Tourette's?"

Mum shook her head, but stayed on my bed. "Gee, it may seem like the end of the world now—"

"Because it _is_," I said. She is so remarkably daft for someone who is supposedly a mother.

"It may seem like the end of the world now," she continued on, "but really, you'll look back at this in hindsight and laugh. Besides, there are other lads. What about that nice Dave boy you've gone out with?"

I woke up from pretend sleep. "Oh I'm sorry. Ever since I became an invalid, my stamina hasn't been the same."

"Georgia. You're 18, don't you think you're a little old for such rudeness?"

I looked at what Mum was wearing. A tight "shirt" with entirely too small trousers. All I could think was, "Aren't you a little old for an outfit like _that_?"

But I nodded, just wanting her out of my _room_.

Mum shook her head and muttered, "Why do I try?" as she left my humble abode.

My goodness. Now I _really_ must sleep.

****

thursday june 9th

11:00 a.m.

Mum came in just now and thrust the phone at me. I didn't have to get up off my arse and get it? I must be sleeping still.

"Hello?"

"Gee." It was Jas.

"Yes, Jas?"

"I have got the most brilliant idea!"

"And it is?"

"Since we're all going to different universities, I thought we could all be counselors at this one camp I went to when I was small."

"...I'm still waiting for the brilliant idea."

"That was it," Jas said, huffily.

"Bloody hell, Jas! I _hate_ children!"

"But Rosie, Ellen, and Jools have already agreed to it."

"Well, I am also an invalid. And I don't think that either Rosie, Ellen, or Jools have that distinction."

"You didn't shave off your eyebrows again?" and she laughed. Like a smaller Wet Lindsay. I may have to kill her.

"_No_, Robbie is getting married! Didn't darling Hunky tell you that yet?"

"Oh, _yes_! I _knew_ you'd be awfully upset! I told Hu—Tom that you would be, but he was all, 'Didn't she move on to Masimo?' and I said, yes, but that you were always in love with Robbie—"

Great. The Rambler Extraordinaire had opened her mouth. Now we'd be here ages.

"—and Tom was like, 'Oh. Well I told Robbie that she'd moved on and he _could_ pursue a relationship with Kwasika,' or whatever her name is and I said that you would be _very_ unhappy seeing as Masimo moved to Hamburger-a-gogo land a year ago with the rest of the Stiff Dylans—"

"WHAT DID HUNKY DO?" I demanded _ma _dim _cherie_.

"...Told Robbie that you had moved onto Masimo?"

"Wh—but that was eons ago!" I said, nearly dumbfounded. But I remained (semi) cool.

"Right. But Robbie met his now-fiancée Kwasika, or whatever, when you were in a Masimo phase and so when he called Tom to check in on you, Tom said it was all about you and Masimo, so he sort of moved onto Kwasika."

I hung up right then and there.

So Hunky is the reason I suffer.

His legumes and him shall pay.

****

11:30 a.m.

But if you want to get down to the root (legumes...root...I crack myself up in the face of utter doom) of things, the Moustachioed One is the reason the SG even went to New Zealand and met Kwasika.

****

11:45 a.m.

Just accused Dad of being an invalidator. He just shook his head.

"When will you go to university?" he muttered.

__

Tres mature, O Large One.

****

4:30 p.m.

Jas rang again.

"Gee, please come to the camp. Please please please! I'll do anything if you'll come."

"Such as...give up your ginormous knickknacks so a homeless family can have a place to live?"

Stunned silence, then Jas said, "Fine. But you must also get over Robbie. Dave's having a grad party tomorrow, maybe you'll meet some bloke there."

"Perhaps I shall. We can only guess," I said in a way that even those minus 85 of their brain could tell was French.

"Bloody hell, what _is_ the matter with your voice?" Jas responded. I suppose she missed the cutoff.

"I'm being French, you loon."

"...Alright. Well, the camp starts the 25th and lasts until the 30th."

"Oh, five days. I should be able to stand the little ones that long."

Jas giggled. "Not June 30th, but _July_ 30th."

Oh, _sacre bleu_ and God's shortie pajamas! What _have_ gotten myself into?


End file.
